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The recovery process builds upon each step in your sober journey. Thus, it only makes sense that step nine is a response to step eight, which involves making a list of all the people that you have harmed and become willing to make amends to all of them. Step eight is preparation for the action of step nine, which involves putting your recovery into action. Before approaching Step 9, you need to complete the inventory in Step 8. This is a list of all of the people in your life whom you believe you have harmed. It can be a challenging list to write, even for those who want to embrace forgiveness and inner peace—but the list is important.

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The reason why it is better to make amends earlier rather than later is based on experience and case studies. Many recovering alcoholics have relapsed when they allowed their fears to block them from completing step nine. For example, Dr. Bob, one of the original founders of the AA program, could not stay sober until he went around town and made amends to all those he had hurt. Living amends is a third option for those in the ninth step of recovery. With this option, the individual in recovery takes steps to improve their relationships and demonstrate their lifestyle change.

Advance Directive Forms

• Stories that begin in a certain direction have a habit of taking the scenic route, and, occasionally, swerving excitingly off-piste.
• When he runs out of clean clothes, I don’t lecture or offer solutions.
• The goal of this step is to find freedom by cleaning up the past to live peacefully in the present.
• Mr. Kubrick and Ms. Duvall would play chess during breaks, and the crew would sit around smoking cigarettes and eating Big Macs.
• This is a list of all of the people in your life whom you believe you have harmed.
• But the rewards you’ll reap from living amends can help make the challenges easier and more productive.

We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments. No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends. On the surface, making amends might sound as simple as offering a sincere apology for your treatment of others, but there’s more to this cornerstone Twelve Step practice. Below, experts at Hazelden Betty Ford’s Connection™ recovery coaching program answer frequently asked questions about this reconciliation process and why it’s so vital to addiction recovery and spiritual health.

When Should You Approach a Person to Make Amends?

• After acknowledging to ourselves what we’ve done, we take responsibility for making it right.
• How about all those relatives and friends that we haven’t seen in awhile, but still have an uncomfortable feeling about the way we left that relationship?
• Indirect Amends – finding ways to repair damage that cannot be reversed or undone by doing things like volunteering and helping others.
• Unfortunately, this scenario plays out much too often in the lives of people who didn’t get a chance to correct their mistakes and past behaviors in time.

Though the shoot was grueling — Mr. Kubrick is known for demanding his actors do hundreds of takes for each scene — she has fond memories of the experience. Mr. Kubrick and Ms. Duvall would play chess during breaks, and the crew would sit around smoking cigarettes and eating Big Macs. While Ms. Duvall lacked formal training, or certain qualities you might expect of a traditional leading lady, her rawness worked to her advantage. For one thing, she didn’t look or carry herself like a classic Hollywood starlet. She brought an energy to her roles that jarred with the studied naturalism that was the acting style at the time, her voice had a beguiling singsong quality to it, and she had a talent for improvisation. “I was in a choir once and the person next to me was singing really off key and I couldn’t stand it.

However, they may suddenly feel guilty and decide to change their ways. They can make a living amend to change their lifestyle, get sober, and stop stealing from their parent. My Mom, on the other hand, loves to complain about Ricky’s behavior. Sometimes I can listen supportively for a short period of time.

Those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends whenever possible. When I survey my drinking days, I recall many people whom my life touched casually, but whose days I troubled through my anger and sarcasm. These people are untraceable, and direct amends to them are not possible. The only amends I can make to those untraceable individuals, the only “changes for the better” I can offer, are indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live in emotional balance, at peace with myself.

• In many 12-step recovery programs, making amends is an important part of the process.
• There are a lot of fearful feelings before, during and after making amends in the ninth step.
• We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments.
• It goes beyond simply apologizing to taking steps to right a wrong.

More often than not, step nine will be painful, but also equally freeing. There is no denying that taking step nine takes tremendous courage. But, by facing reality and the long-term impact of your actions, and making amends to those you’ve hurt, you’re able to make peace with the past and put it behind you and move forward. To discern whether to make amends, ask yourself why you’re wanting to contact the person. For example, if you had an affair for three years during active addiction, visiting your ex to fess up and say you’re sorry isn’t going to help them; it’s going to hurt them. Are you taking the step to clear your conscience at the expense of another person?

• At Boardwalk Recovery Center, we support clients through the steps and encourage them to make amends when appropriate to restore their relationships and sense of morality.
• In most cases, the offender owes apologies to the people closest to them, like their friends, parents, and children.
• If they didn’t pay attention, I do my best to let them suffer the consequence.

Support Your Recovery

When he handles a situation at work “the wrong way” I keep my opinion to myself. Book Jason for speaking engagements, events or appearances and let him bring the message of recovery & hope. News asked celebrity girl dads to write letters sharing advice for their tiny glass ceiling shatterers and they delivered. Many of us find it helpful to reflect on our amends after making each one. Some of us do this by writing about how it felt to make the amends and what we learned from the experience. Indirect Amends – finding ways to repair damage that cannot be reversed or undone by doing things like volunteering and helping others.

What Do You Say When Making Amends? – The Step 9 Amends Letter

I no longer interrogate him about his day at school, so I can give my wise advice on how to handle difficult peers. I’m not his teacher, and I’m sure she’s skilled at handling that type of problem. Guilt and shame are the unnecessary chains that bind us to our past. By practicing these spiritual principles we can break those chains and achieve the freedom from our addiction that we have yearned for. Humility is the freedom from pride or arrogance and having the quality or state of being humble. In the Ninth Step, we will focus on the spiritual principles of humility, forgiveness and love.

Linked to aa.org with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

This is part of our ongoing commitment to ensure FHE Health is trusted as a leader in mental health and addiction care. There are three main types of amends, and it’s living amends important to recognize which one is appropriate in a given situation. Understanding some making amends examples can help the individual correct past behaviors.